I'm in a mood and it's not really a good one.  I'm just crabby and I can't be content to be pissed off about nothing in particular, so man am I scurrying around, trying to find additional reasons.  There is no rationale to it what so ever.  I'm just cranky.  I want to be mad for things that don't concern me.  I get frustrated at broken promises.  I feel invisible and I don't do "invisible."  I just want to go away.  I'm mad because she's skinny.  I'm mad because he's so male.  I'm mad because it should've been me!  Wasn't it my turn?  I'm mad because it's just vacant.  I'm mad because this takes so damn long.  I'm mad because my escape, the land of perfection, goes unattended.  I can't find the time.  I'm mad because it's just something always.  I'm mad because, damn it, I should have these things.  I'm mad because it was ever introduced to start with.  I'm mad because I'm hungry and I'm mad because that means calories, which means weight.  I'm mad because it shouldn't be this fucking hard!  I'm mad because ol' Jell-o brain got a better tray in the buffet of life than I did.  I'm mad because this is ridiculous.  I'm mad because I just want to scream, but I can't because someone WILL hear.  I don't want to watch someone get all kinds of wishes fulfilled when I feel like they are less deserving than me (judgmental, I know!  I'm in a foul, foul mood!)  I want to claw my way out of my own skin.  I can feel it.  I'm shredding claws and I'm getting no where.  It feels very hollow and dark and I want it to go away.  I want this whole bit to just go away.  I'm tired of being plagued by "what ifs" and "why nots."  I'm tired of wondering which turn I missed, or which one I took and shouldn't have.  I want to kick my own ass because I'm truly very lucky.  So, why do I feel like I feel?  I laugh.  I laugh at myself.  I laugh at you...and you...and you...and you.  But, it's not symbolic of "happiness."  Why is that?  I want to run, but I don't want to waste the energy.  Why is this all so damn hard?  Why do I not have a nice glass of wine that I can go drink?  Why do I not even have a wine glass?  I'm just mad!  I'm mad because I'm "bobbing" through life.  I hate aging.  I hate feeling envy.  I miss ME!  I just wonder what does this?  Maybe it's just PMS.  Maybe it's just all enough.  My head hurts.  I hate how people just have this whole "Don't mind if I do" approach towards me.  I'm a giving person, yes.  But, I'm getting a little more than resentful of it.  When does it come back?  When does someone look at me and think, "yep!  It's your turn!"  I help old people pump gas in their cars.  I help others in anyway that I can.  I see fear in people and I try to help them feel less alone.  Why do I not have someone standing there being a rock for me when I want/need one?  I talk to people and they talk to me like they've always known me.  Even when I meet them for the first time.  I feel disappointed in choices others make for themselves.  It's not my fucking business!  But, just the same, I hate it!  Why do beautiful people with beautiful talents crank themselves up on pills and such?  Why do people forget where they came from?  Why do I give a shit?  I just want to have a break.  I want to be a little less responsible and a little less pissed off!  I just want to live!  I can't stand kids other than my own.  I can't!  I hate that about myself.  But, I'd be lying if I said that I want to be surrounded by others kids.  I don't!  Most of the time, I wish they'd just go away before they teach my kids how to be a little less refined (for lack of another word).  I raise my kids with manners.  I want them with me.  I want to know what they are doing.  I want to know what's going on in their lives.  I DON'T want to be the dumping ground for those who need that.  I just don't!  I just want everyone to be happy and to live with the decisions they made in their lives and quit acting like it's MY turn to take on their burdens (Wait!  Guess that's where "My turn" comes in!  Great!  Just great!)  I want to go lay in my bed and I want someone to put up a protective barrier...just for tonight...that will keep the rest of the world out.  I want to just lay there and think about absolutely NOTHING!  I want to stop being the mat people trudge their feet across as they're passing through.  I know I'm made of a lot and I can't say I can't take it.  I just want a break from it!  I'm tired, damn it!  I'm tired of being everything everyone else needs.  I'm tired of being the solution!  I deserve compassion, at minimum!  I'm a good person and I'd try my hardest to suck it up and walk on, no matter how annoyed I'd get.  But, I give it all up!  And, I feel like it's just so over-shadowed by thoughts of "Ooo!  Cool!  What else can I get?"  I hate feeling like this.  I hate when my dam breaks and it's just e-fucking-nough!  I'm sick of it all!  When did I become the answer?  Why am I the only one who CAN be the answer?  I know that's very narcissistic.  I am currently being the biggest hypocrite.  I'm complaining about something, I, myself, am being guilty of at this moment.  Failure to recognize all that others do.  I'm just feeling like a cactus.  I'm in a pot of shit.  No one notices when I need water because I'm a cactus!  Cactus doesn't require attention!  Yeah!  When ya get to it, I guess!  WHEN YOU GET TO IT!  Unfortunately, I don't think horticulture is a priority!  Cactus come and go.  So what!  It's just another cactus!  I am just mad!  I'm mad about it all.  I'm mad that I doubt and that I question and that I suspect.  I hate that feeling of being under someone else's thumb.  And the thumb holder has jealous, and malicious motivations.  I'm held back due to fear of my success.  It's unfair.  I hate feeling like a promise made is a promise broken.  Is there no one that is capable of being worthy of their word?  Is there no one that is capable of thinking about someone other than themselves?  Can I PLEASE have a turn?  Can I please just sit and think and do for me.  Just for me!  My boys would be ok, because I do for them, but partly for myself.  I just want this feeling of floating in the wind to stop.  I want to "belong" somewhere.  I want to live and dream.  I want to laugh and it be a reflection of happiness.  I want to joke and not worry about who I may offend.  I want to be ME!  I want to relax and I want to have fun.  I want to feel free.  I want to take these chains and let someone else drag them for a while.  I'm tired of being everything and being simply overlooked.  I'm tired of being resented instead of appreciated.  I'm tired of being played - not because I'm gullible - but because I'm too kind to say, "You're fucking retarded!  Do you know I'm not stupid!  Don't you know that this bullshit you THINK you're pulling over on me isn't making it past my proverbial front door?"  But, I won't!  It's easier for me to let someone believe I'm that stupid than it is to risk hurting someone.  My scars are many and they run deep.  I'm frustrated!  I want someone to stand up for me and put their foot down and make things right for me.  It's too much of a fight and it's too much hurt for others.  It's so much easier to just keep it all to myself and believe that I'm stronger than those right in front of me.  An unrecognized saint!  As if!  I'm so charred and I get so jealous of those who are so shallow.  I wish I could take advantage of people and be so free of mind about it.  Nah!  I dont' know that I mean that.  I hurt for others because I've felt pain, disappointment, anger, fear, the whole boat.  I just can't get myself up out of this crater I seem to be stuck in.  I'm just tired!  Why does it feel like nothing makes any difference; there is not sympathy.  I'm stuck, just watching, wanting and wishing.  Why do people need 25 cars and I can't have 1?  It's maddening.  I'm doing what I do for the right reasons.  Doesn't that deserve something?  I couldn't win a rigged lottery if I knew the winning numbers in advance.  It's making me mad!  I'm sick of being everyone's doorway to the fun time and the freedom to laugh.  I'm tired of being the bellman for people and their baggage.  I have baggage of my own to carry.  When is someone going to step in and carry mine for a bit?  Maybe I had that.  Maybe that was all I get in this life.  Maybe I'm gonna be a whole lot more pissed off before they plant my unhappy ass!  And, maybe my failure to recognize is just a result of my time being completely saturated by someone constantly.  Maybe I'm just being unreasonable.  Maybe I am just a jerk.  Maybe I have a paved road and I am just being selfish.  But, I'm just so mad!  I want to push a button and make the world go into sleep mode until I decide to wake them all up again.  THEN, I think I would be sooooo happy!  If I could just get away for just a bit to pay attention to me and all I want to do.  I just want everyone else to just shhhhh for a while.  I want to sit and watch the water for a while.  I want to smell the fresh, earthy smells.  I want to stand and hear only the noise of snowflakes falling.  I want to just have a little solitude.  I'm so tired of fighting.  I'm tired of hearing about health.  I'm tired of feeling like the next person that says one fucking word to me is going to get busted in their noise box.  I'm tired of being angry.  I'm tired of being bitter.  I'm tired of feeling slighted.  But, I can't ignore it.  It wont' go away.  I won't go away.  I'm tired of weakness.  I'm tired of shallow.  I'm tired of superficial.  I'm tired of mooches.  I'm tired of self-centered fuck holes.  I'm just tired.  I'm typing this and I'm tapping off a few names of those who will read this and be totally appalled.  Chances are, you're one of the soul suckers that has put me here.  You're one of the sponges that has completely drained every ounce of "give a fuck" that I had left.  I'm just mad.  It will pass.  In a few minutes, I'll start thinking about things I said here and guilt will set in.  Then, I'll debate it all within myself; how I'm being ungrateful for all the blessings that I truly do have by compiling such stuff.  But, I type it because it's all too big to stay trapped within me.  It's gotta get out.  I'm tired of having to be 50 something years old.  I'm not and my youth has been ticking away since the day I was conceived.  It's been a haul ass journey through "put off today what I can do tomorrow...because it's better/easier/happier for someone else."  It's not easy to sit here and be so vile.  It's got a rotten stench on it that I can smell seeping through the screen as each word forms from my fingers.  But, I just want!  I want!  And I want it to be ok that I want.  But, not only do I want.  I also want to get what I want.  Can't it just be my turn?  See?  Already, my head is creeping in and trying to work down my tangent.  It's annoying.  Am I not allowed - even within myself - to have my own resentments?  It's my bitterness and it's me that has to live with it.  It's there!  Rather I voice it or I don't.  It's still alive and well and thriving within my confinements.  I'm just tired!  I'm overly tired of having a feeling and it being shame on me for even thinking.  I'm mad about it.  I'm just mad about it all.  But, in 10 minutes, I'll get afraid of what God could take away from me to show me how good I really did have it.  I fear that.  I fear that more than anything else.  Not because I believe God is cruel, but because I believe I'm asking too much and being thankful for too little.  I will work it out and tomorrow, I'll be right back to giving for the taking by others.  What right to I have to be mad?  I put me here!  I allow it.  I just want to be a good person and I want to make things better for other people.  I just want that too!  I want someone to make it easier for me.  But, truth be told, it's never going to happen.  I represent "fun time."  I'm a toy!  I feel without worth!  I feel like I'm the most tolerant person.  Why do I have to keep sitting here like this?  Why is it fair?  I don't give a shit who promised what.  Can I just be mad because I don't feel like I get my way?  Can I just be annoyed that I feel like a crutch under a bunch of chronic conditions?  Can I be upset that I am a rock and yet I can't get a grain of sand?  Can I just be mad that wrongly put my faith in humanity and compassion?  Can I just be mad that no one ever sees where it hurts?  Maybe they don't care to.  Maybe they just don't care.  It's with fury that these things occur to me.  My ears are feeling like they are in flames.  I'm just mad!  I'm being irrational.  I'm being bitter.  I'm thinking of all the things I WANT to do and all the things I just CAN'T do.  Then, I think about why I can't do them.  I'm just mad!  Since there's no beer or wine to go drown myself in - which is exactly what I'd like to do right  now - I'm just going to go start my self induced guilt trip for every ugly thing I've said here!  I'm going to just go see if I can sneak in a trip to my land of perfection.  Because, there, nothing ever goes wrong.  There, I'm not this.  There, I'm totally fictionalized.  I'm nothing I know of my real self.  Right now, I want to be anything but me.  I want anything but this reality.  I want to get away.  So, since I'm on some self serving rant here, I'm going to dedicate a song...to ME!  Self, I dedicate "Long Day" by Matchbox 20!  Because it has been!  It's been one big, long, streaming long day for quite some time now.  I'm tired!  I'm not content to just be pissed about everything I already have to be mad about and I think I'm done searching for something to blame for it.  I'm just mad!

http://youtu.be/Lgoz3XkW1UM


"Long Day"

It's sitting by the overcoat,
The second shelf, the note she wrote
That I can't bring myself to throw away
And also
Reach she said for no one else but you,
Cuz you won't turn away
When someone else is gone

I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
It's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away
It's me, and I can't get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldn't feel this way

[chorus]

Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out some hope for me
It's been a long day, always ain't that right
And no Lord your hand won't stop it
Just keep you trembling
It's been a long day, always ain't that right

Well I'm surprised that you'd believe
In any thing that comes from me
I didn't hear from you or from someone else
And you're so
Set in life man, a pisser they're waiting
Too damn bad you get so far so fast
So what, so long

[chorus]

It's me, yeah and I can't get myself to go away
It's me, yeah and I can't get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldn't feel this way

[chorus]